Moments of Truth

This is the one of a series of posts from my climb up Mt. Kilimanjaro, and some transformative perspective that came in those days above the cloudline. The lessons absolutely translate to an elevated life down here. These posts will be a bit more sharing and a bit less instructional than my typical posts, yet hopefully just as useful. 

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The morning of June 11th was a pivotal few hours I'll never forget.

Physically, I was up 17,500 feet on Mt. Kilimanjaro, Tanzania, on the last morning of an already-transformative 5-day + months-of-preparation climb up that mountain, and less than 2 hours away from the summit. While an all-in, energy leader of my team, I had been getting a strange-feeling kind of altitude sickness, which just felt like dizzy spells (didn’t faze me) and needing to push myself harder (again, ALL-in), yet meant that the level of oxygen in my blood wan't saturating (pulse ox level) as it should. Our wise and experienced leaders were monitoring us all, and while they had warned us of the potential dangers of the mountain and altitude sickness (which can hit anyone), someone just the week before died on the mountain with similar symptoms to mine… so the gravity of it felt very real. At 4:00 that morning, before we set out on the trail for the summit, I was excited, feeling strong, and fired up to go, yet my pulse-ox numbers were pushing the envelope. Our guides placed me at the front of the line, right behind one of them as we set out in the dark that morning, with the stern directive to tap her on the shoulder if I got any dizziness, and the warning that if my numbers dropped further, they’d turn me around. I was feeling good, powered by adrenaline, will, and focus on my state, yet... 3.5 hours into that summit day’s climb at 17,500 feet up, I got another dizzy burst, and tapped her on the shoulder. Our leaders stopped the whole team for a break, checked my pulse-ox, and while I knew it before they said it, all three of my leaders stood there with me, love and commitment to me and my safety in their faces… “Sarah. Your lips are purple, nose is turning purple, and your pulse ox is too low. Going on is not safe… We have to turn you around.” There were the words, piercing the flurry of thoughts and emotions coursing through me with those exact words every climber on any mountain fears hearing from their guides.

The mix of emotions in that instant was disorienting and vivid. I felt all of these at once:

Disappointment: I can’t believe I’ve come this far and can’t finish this with my team. I have to leave them right here, right now?

Fear: Holy #@%. I could actually die. 

Gratitude: I’m so glad they know what they’re doing, can see what I can’t about what’s happening to me, and are able to make the right decision for what will save my life. 

Pride: I climbed, conquered and got the lessons of this mountain, higher than 7.5billion of the world who will never even attempt it.

Surprisingly at peace: Weird that don’t really care about the summit in this moment. I’ve been so fully blown away every single time I turned around along the way to see how far we’d come/ascended, that this last 1500 feet doesn’t matter nearly as much as I thought it would. 

At that point, I’d already gotten a myriad of a-ha life insight moments from that mountain, which the next few posts will illuminate. We’ll start with the most dramatic, last lesson, which is what’s taken this whole year to unpack for me… 

In that moment of truth, realizing that my turnaround could interrupt the team’s momentum and intense focus in their home stretch, I quickly focused on them. I assured them I was fine, declared that spot my summit, cheered, hugged and high 5-ed them before they continued up the trail the last 1500 feet, then turned away, to head back down the trail toward our last camp. Taking the photo above in that moment was heartbreaking. With a kind, helpful porter carrying my pack and keeping me moving as quickly as possible (the cure to altitude sickness is to get to lower elevation as fast as possible), tears streamed down my face all the way back to our last high camp. 

I was struck with how completely different that same path we had just ascented seemed now, moments later, descending it alone. During the 5am-8am hours of climbing 2,000 vertical feet that morning, we completed it inch by inch, from pitch black with headlamps, to the sun rising with us above the clouds, that trail was narrow, filled with our team intensely focused on every step, breathing together, encouraging one another, letting out the occasional howl of adrenaline and “Rest steps and pressure breaths!” We were tightly packed inches from one another in the line, intentional, connected… THIS was Summit Day… IT… what we’d trained and prepared for over weeks and months. There was a rhythm of energy we could all feel, as we focused our headlamps on our teammates feet in front of us, placing each step in the spot their boots had just left, breathing in unison, connected. Throughout the whole ascent over 5 days, there were moments when we’d feel the energy of the person in front of you and behind you, their energy pulling or pushing our steps through rough parts where we’d otherwise stop if left to our own determination. That morning we all felt it, even more intense than the 5 days prior.  

Yet, as I began descent back down that same trail (almost running down), the silence was deafening, the aloneness unsettling, although I couldn’t quite focus my thoughts to make sense of the contrast I was experiencing. I stopped, took a few breaths, and got my head together enough to take this photo (below), knowing it could bring me mentally back to that exact moment later to try to figure it out.

I stopped, took a few breaths, and focused to take this photo, knowing it could bring me mentally back to that exact moment later to try to figure it out.

A strange sensation continued all the way back to camp and the rest of the day, part fear of was could be happening inside my body, part shift in my psyche, which I’d spend months afterward, processing all the way through.

Physically, I didn’t realize that I was in the beginning stages of cerebral edema- a kind of altitude sickness. During that quick descent back to our last camp a splitting headache, disorientation and fever kicked in. I convinced myself and my porter that I’d be okay after he got me to my tent and left me alone to rest it off, and that I’d just find a place for a pitstop, then lay down in my tent to let my body reset, since they’d all be back down in a few hours. Yet I soon realized (sort of– I was foggy) that I was losing my balance, wasn't walking straight, was taking a long, long time to do simple motor tasks, and was absolutely burning up, despite the 35-40 degree air temp and wind. I was scared. I stripped down to almost nothing, sweating, laid down outside my tent in the wind, iced my body down (water bottle still frozen from the night outside) to try to cool my feverish heat, kept repeating meditations and visualizations to calm myself, and let myself pass out. When I woke up, freezing and able to think more clearly, I knew my body was resetting, crisis averted. 

By the time the team returned from the summit, I was functioning somewhat normally, and able to focus on them, so asked lots of questions about the rest of the experience, genuinely happy for them. Yet tears kept leaking from my eyes as I talked, although I wasn’t fully processing why.

In my moment of truth at 17,600 feet, something did shift, much bigger than my expectation to summit. I had separated, and for the first time during the whole journey, I was in a completely different experience than the rest of my team. I went from being connected so completely that we were breathing in unison, to being out of sync and alone. That separation was a giant rip in my reality of the experience thus far, and it felt bigger to me than the summit. While we celebrated that last night on the mountain, descended the rest of Kili together, then celebrated more, I was different than I’d been. Every night of the trip we’d come together in our team tent after the day’s climb, sharing the lessons and connections of the mountain that day, each of us having our own insights, collectively having many. While I was normally eager to share, after summit morning I withdrew, a little quieter, fixated inward trying to sort it all out. I turned my outward focus to all the other amazing parts of the Kili journey, yet that rip was definitely still working in the background of my my mind. 

Since then (a year ago at this writing), I’ve reflected, processed, and dug into the layers of what happened for me on that mountain- physically, mentally and emotionally. I brought so many epiphanies and insights back from Kili which inspire me daily, distinct from those few hours on summit morning, that loss of sync with my team, was a lesson all its own.

Poignant right now, yet always…

Kili Lesson #1: Trust your team's expertise, and surround yourself with people who can call it when you can’t.

We all think we have more self-awareness than we do. When I’m pushing myself, I’m unstoppable, convinced that I can do whatever I set out to do. That usually proves true, yet in this moment, it didn’t help me at all. I was powering through, doggedly strong, yet I had no idea of what was happening in my body, its stakes, or what was best for me. My guides did. They had perspective on me which I didn’t, expertise I counted on them for, clarity from day 1 that safety drives every decision, and I trusted them implicitly. Because of that combination, their decision which possibly saved my life, and the immediate next steps were quick and efficient, not a debate. My gratitude for them far outweighed my disappointment, underscored by the shock that something so drastic could be happening inside my own body while I had no idea, and wouldn’t have ever known without them until it was a full-on emergency.

Down here: The more committed to a cause or direction we become, the bigger our blindspots can be, and we can miss something critical or off (especially about ourselves), which could make or break the whole thing as we power on with determination. Who do you surround yourself with who you can absolutely trust to keep perspective on you when you can’t, who’s got critical expertise you need and can count on, and who will be completely honest with you to "call it" even when it's hard? Find them, empower them, and listen to them, especially in those key moments. 

Kili Lesson #2: Moments of truth have layers, worth peeling back. 

While the moment of being turned around on that mountain was hard, it was also somewhat obvious in many ways (because of lesson #1). What wasn’t so clear was the most formative part of the whole Kili experience for me, which didn’t consciously surface until much later; that the connection to that team was far bigger for me than summiting Kili. The truth underneath my turnaround that morning: I tend to fly solo in much of what I do, and being part of that team completed me in ways I didn’t even know I needed until it was gone in an instant. I know I’ll climb that mountain again, conquer its summit and other peaks too, but I won’t ever complete that physical experience with my team. While the layers of that moment had been working their way up through my consciousness over the last year, somehow, a simple 4 words in an email this morning (“Wish you were here,” from some of my team, back on Kili right now), both exposed and completed it all for me in an instant. Those relationships, and that connection to that team were clear, rare, and irreplaceably permanent.

Down here: What might be beneath your moments of truth? It's always possible to find the most obvious, outer layers of “what is" or "what I’ll do differently next time." Yet what truths are layered under that? Beneath, often is a somewhat-conscious truth… maybe a pattern you can spot of something like this happening elsewhere (or repeatedly) in your life? Beneath that, may be more layers of unconscious truth- the ones you don’t see, but work in the background of your mind to cause those patterns. Example: a recent client had trouble confronting others, and layers beneath we discovered a time in childhood she'd stepped out to confront, and was unjustifiably retaliated against and hurt in the process. Once we revealed the base of those layers, the pattern released, and changed. For her, for me, and for most, while the reflection and processing can seem long, the release happens in unlocking it can actually occur in a single interaction, realization, or instant. 

Reflect, process, and do the work of self-actualization to get to that clarity. Even when it takes a year, it’s liberating, energizing, ultimately instant... and completely worth it.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2017

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You, Playing Big

#1   Let’s go back to a moment in your life...You’re about to take the step, and never have before. Nobody knows how huge this moment actually is except you, because you’re the one feeling your heart race, pores sweat, butterflies flapping in your stomach. Every fiber of your body is on red alert. It’s loud inside your head; your little voice is screaming at you, cajoling you, trying to reason with you... pulling out every trick it knows to get you to STOP. Decision time.

The last moment you had like that may have defined you. Because whether or not you took that step, whatever happened afterward either opened something up or shut something down, which is why you’ll remember it forever. 

#2    Try this:  Cross your arms, and then come back.  Great. Now do that again, except this time cross them the other way (other arm on top this time).  That felt weird, right? You wanted to cross them back the first way, didn’t you?

Welcome to your Comfort Zone.

Your comfort zone is drawn as a box, yet in reality is more like a big bubble that surrounds you, going with you wherever you go. But mentally, developmentally and metaphorically, it’s definitely a box that holds all the things you are used to, comfortable with, unconsciously competent at doing and generally unfazed by.

We already know that your little voice steers you through most decisions, and it’s either working for you, against you or in some other direction completely. While you might have a daredevil little voice, you definitely have another one, who's vested in you being consistently, solidly competent. It looks out into the unknown from inside your comfort zone, and says,  “You’re not going to do that. That is the danger zone! You could fail. You could get rejected. Worst of all, you’re going to look really bad!” That same little voice is very vested in you looking good all the time. Stepping out into that danger zone, you could definitely look pretty bad, even stupid. So we usually don’t. Unless we do.

So, with that, think for a moment about your own comfort zone, and how you protect it in the name of credibility and strength. One of my favorite researchers, Dr. Brene Brown (a vulnerability expert) digs into the conflict of how we view vulnerability in ourselves vs. how we view it in other people. Think about a leader who stands up and shares something personal, who admits a mistake, who visibly takes a step out there, owns it, and then carries on, strong. Universally, we’re inspired by that, yet we don’t want to do it ourselves, right? Brown points out that we tend to see vulnerability as “courage in you, but weakness in me.” A dilemma, right? Brown asserts that “Vulnerability may actually be our most accurate measure of courage. In 15,000 pieces of data, I could not find one instance of courage that wasn’t completely underpinned by vulnerability.”

SO... How could you step out, showing some human vulnerability (and therefore courage) to blaze the trail for your team to step out? It’s time. 

What have you been avoiding, working around or wishing you could do?  Where do you know you need to push yourself into the growth zone?  Where are you playing small? If you’re feeling a little discomfort thinking about it, you’re on the right track. So, it just depends on where your little voice pops up, and starting to challenge it in order to take on that box, and bust through.

This gets tricky as your "leadership position" gets more prominent. The stakes of your decisions get higher, the value of your expertise and mastery more focused. You've spent a lot (time, work, rungs) earning that credibility, so the tendency is to do what you can to stay solidly in that expertise. That’s very different from you in the growth zone, which feels squishier. Stepping out feels vulnerable, so you might stretch your CZ, but only on your own time, when nobody can see, so they don’t have to see you flail. Except if your people never see you stepping out, they never get the model or see you as human, and don’t feel permission to do it themselves. That's not good, and when I get called in later to a dysfunctional culture where people are hiding mistakes, trying to look perfect, imperfectly.

How to expand your zone...

Mark your territory.  What are some things that you know you already do well or comfortably as a leader? This list can be as comprehensive as you want it to be. If you want to write a volume on this subject, go for it, but take a few minutes to map them out; it’s important to get clear about what’s already inside your comfort zone and get your strengths so you can build from there. Next, call out where you need to step out. Own it. 

Look around.  A great way to identify areas to stretch outside your comfort zone is to look at other leaders and the moves they make which you don’t. Or recall situations in which you’ve thought, “Ugh, I wish I could do that,” or “This is not a strong area for me,” or even “Not my style.” ...All big red flags. Then pick one. Or a few.

Step out enough.  Make sure you’re actually stretching yourself to step out in a way that will challenge and stretch your ability to play life bigger, influence further, thrive more solidly. So, while putting my clothes away more often might be different from my norm, it’s not a comfort zone issue. I avoid putting my clothes away because I just don’t like to do it — not because it’s a stretch for me. Pick a true stretch. 

Hold the tension. So is bigger always better? Not necessarily. This isn’t about jumping into the unknown everywhere with reckless abandon—that’s volatile leadership, which you don’t want. Great leaders are strategic and focused, but not limited by their boundaries, which takes a delicate balance of agility. Holding that tension between playing to your strengths and stepping out of your Comfort Zone to expand it takes self-awareness, willingness to call oneself out, and ability to learn efficiently and voraciously. Flex.

Map it.  Write down what the benefit of doing this is for you—what might you have, which you don’t yet? A new confidence, ability to let it go, new domain in your wheelhouse? Then identify what you’ll need to do specifically and different than what you’ve been doing; Have the conversation instead of just thinking about it? Put the ideas out there instead of waiting to be asked? Try out what you know is possible instead of hoping someone else goes first? And finally, identify the key piece; for you to do this, what version of yourself will you need to be (brave? confident? strong? grounded? human?). 

Big yet not so big. Some of the steps you need to take are one-shot-deals; those tough conversations, moments, hurdles you just need to take on rather than waiting for "the right time" (which never appears). That's a whole other category, to check out HERE.

Push it.  You spent more time on the ground, falling than you did upright as you learned to walk. Don’t just step out one time. Do it as many times as you need to, making sure to tweak and refine each time, until you can say, “I can do this,” and can add it to your repertoire. The number one way people keep themselves from a bigger game is quitting too soon. It doesn’t work immediately and/or looks silly, so we do it a couple more times, and then say, “Yeah—that’s enough,” chalking it up to "that's not who I am." But maybe it was really too soon to tell! Keep going.

The bigger your comfort zone, the bigger your opportunity for uninhibited impact. That’s what we want for you—no situation that you come upon where you say, “I don’t think so” just because it’s new territory. You’re playing big and taking it on, as influencers do.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2016

When The Debate inside your head IS Worth It

Have you had a recent moment of the conversation you were having with yourself was so loud you couldn’t even hear someone talking to you? 

Of course you have. Those self-exchanges can be fantastic or horrible, distracting or helpful... and if you're not careful, consuming. Yet sometimes they're worth engaging, in order to get to your best next iteration. 

(While you may or not be a runner, you can fill this in with a situation where you know you could do the same thing…)

I love my running time. Yet... a few minutes into my run this morning, I just wasn’t feeling it. For a full minute (yes, I clocked it), I had an internal debate with myself-

Me: I don’t want to do this. 

Other me: Too bad. Do it anyway. 

Me: I’m tired and already breathing too hard- this is going to be a slow, rough run. I worked out really hard yesterday and the day before. It’s completely overcast and there aren’t even any good clouds to focus on. Maybe I should take this as a sign that this should be my day off. 

Other me: No. Shut up. You got a rare 8 hrs of sleep last night- you’re fine. It always smooths out after the first 5 minutes. Keep going! You’ll be happy you did when you’re done. 

Me: Ugh. That’s true. I can do anything for 5 minutes, right? Some first-five-minutes are rougher than others, but it always gets easier after that. Okay- I’ll clock it. 

Other me: There you go. Focus up and out- it always works.

So, I did. Five minutes later into this hot, humid run, I was still going, but hadn’t exactly broken through anything (often I do). It was still rough, and the conversation started again. 

Me: Okay- we’re past that magical point, and it’s still not happening. 

Other me: Then call it. Enough wasting energy on the question. No more complaining. If you’re going to do it, just go and get into it. If you’re not, then just turn around and be done.

Me:  Ug. Well… maybe there’s a way to do both.  A compromise without compromising… what if I cut this run shorter than normal by half, but focus on strength vs. endurance to get just as much out of it as a longer run? I never do that, but I could. The run ends faster, yet I work a little differently, honing something else. Win-win? 

Other me: Okay. GO! 

And I did. For the rest of the run I just pushed off each stride a little stronger than I normally would, focusing down on that push-off instead of my normal up and out for the horizon. I felt my focus sharpen, my legs get stronger, my voices quiet. My mind actually woke up in a different way with this slight little change in focus, and I felt myself doing something I’d done a million times through a surprisingly new lens of experience. Worth it for that alone. As I crossed the finish line of my driveway, I felt relieved that I didn’t quit, satisfied that I found a new way to strengthen my stride, and intrigued by how a slight change altered the whole experience so much. 

Yet here’s the kicker…

As I looked down at my MapMyRun, I expected to see the much shorter time than normal, but not much change in my pace, since I was so slow out of the gate. And I was shocked- my pace actually improved by more than a full minute per mile faster! That’s a lot- even faster than some of my full-out sprints at the end of normal runs. 

So- runner or not, here's what you and I both do: 

• We have debates in our head like this all the time. 
• We make choices about pushing through our internal resistance or not every day- consciously or not. 
• We have things we do so regularly that they now define themselves in a fixed, possibly limiting way (i.e.: “a run” to me was running a certain pace, distance, way…). 

So, try this… 

1. Stay ahead of your voice.  The tricky part about your little voice is that it knows you to the subconscious core, so knows exactly how to push you… yet also how to take you down- and it’s not always clear which motive is leading that internal conversation. It’s easy to get psyched out by it, so knowing when to stand up to that voice and how shut it down when it’s sabotaging you is crucial.* Yet if you stay in it (see #2 below), only engage in that internal debate for a limited engagement, or else you get sucked into a rabbit hole of internal tug-of-war, which can stop you dead in your tracks. That’s exactly why I clocked it this morning- after a few seconds of debate, I knew I’d need to contain it to a small timebox so something could either shift quickly or I could shut it down and power forward. Do you know how to separate from your little voice enough to assess its effect on you in the moment? Practice it.* 

2. Take on the internal debate. Your voice can be your best cheerleader or your worst critic, and often it’s a combination that’s weirdly helpful. Sometimes it pushes you in exactly the way you need to be pushed, and it’s worth it to engage with it and argue through its resistance, pressure-cooking your thoughts into a better idea. My voice this morning deftly laid down the ultimatum of  ‘shut up or go home’ because sometimes I need my options to be reduced down to A or B in order to push me into creating a divergent option of C.  Had I ignored that voice and muscled through my full run this morning, I would’ve missed a huge learning, new experience and overall improvement. What does your little voice know you need, and when might it be pushing you exactly the way you uncomfortably need to go? 

3. Shift one tiny thing, and you change the whole experience. We are more habitual than we like to think, and often go on autopilot without even realizing it. The first time you rode a bike it was exhilarating; by the hundredth time, it was just transportation. Through the practiced motions of what we do regularly, our experiences start to blend together. By changing one small thing (try folding your arms, then folding them the other way, with the opposite arm on top), everything changes. A shift even that slight forces you to experience it as instantly different, and you’re snapped out of autopilot, wide awake and getting nuance you missed the last 99 times, new synapses firing, new thoughts possible, and your operating system is rebooted. What possible element can you shift or zoom in on to change an otherwise regular experience right now and notice something new?         

4. Stay present in the experience, and be open to what might emerge. The cool surprise is that a tiny shift can also cause a huge change in results which you just couldn’t get to if you’d kept on with your original plan. Listening while arguing with my little voice got me to something I never would’ve planned. Every step I took a little stronger this morning felt different in the moment, but not enough, I thought, to really change my overall time so much (nor was that my goal, for a nice change). I was so present in the new experience that it didn’t matter to me, yet in the end that tiny change made a huge difference in my time, and will now be a new kind of run added into my training from now on. Perhaps the result you’ve been trying strategically to improve for so long actually needs you to release your vice-grip focus on it for a bit to pay attention to some overlooked element along the way before anything can change overall?  

Going forward, I know my little voice will keep challenging me- that’s its job. I’ll keep looking for where it can be the catalyst for shift where I need it, experiences re-defined and results I can’t possibly predict from here. You too? 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2015

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For more thoughts and concrete strategies for getting to your best thoughts, impact and process... check out my new book, Tap Into Greatness and live workshops, like Tapping Their Greatness. To go deep on mastering your little voice, check out *Little Voice Mastery. 

Closer Than They Appear

My mom’s rear-view mirror always had etched onto it:

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

So it turns out that this standard-issue reminder about perception applies to our own psyche, as well.

When we get to the part of my training where I ask people to identify a spot in their lives where they need to step up or out or through something, many people find something BIG.  It’s often having to do with a person they need to confront or a thing they’ve needed to do for a long time, which they’ve been allowing to suck their energy and hold them back in their productivity or happiness for weeks, months or years.  Most people have a few of these things rattling around, sort of like extra weights they’ve been carrying around with them.

So, I help them to stand up to the BIG thing, and commit to busting through it to the elusive “other side” which is alot like those things in the rear-view mirror… much closer than it seems.

It often comes down to a conversation they need to have with someONE or a new behavior that they need to just DO or try.  I coach around it, sometimes even set up full plans of attack for getting their State just right, and all the support they need to hold that State, follow through and not bail at the last second.

In my work with thousands of people who have gone through this very process, I’ve found something in common which takes me back to the rear-view mirror…

Leading up to the actual breakthrough (which is often just a moment), people will actually spend hours of time thinking about it, obsessing about it, rehearsing it or just worrying about it before they actually do it.  The good news is that this is replacing the countless hours of stress, upset, distraction and worry that they had been spending regularly on it before they chose to break through it.

So finally, they get to the moment of truth.

They get into State (or not, which makes it more painful), they DO the big thing, and they’re through to the other side.  The act or conversation took minutes.  It’s over.  The energy suck that had been draining their will and focus is cut off, and there’s a proud mix of adrenaline, relief and newfound energy afterward.  Then the realization…

Obstacles are smaller than they appear.

It wasn’t that big of a deal in hindsight.  All of that worrying and prep, and they broke through it in moments.  To me as a coach, the most important thing is the equation of time spent that comes in the debrief:

Number of sucked hours of worry/upset/stress/energy you are losing in thinking, worrying, avoiding by not doing it

VS.

Moments it takes to just do it and be through to the other side

Simple equation of time investment.

Easy?  Not really, which is where Comfort Zone and coaching like mine come in.

But simple? ABSOLUTELY. For me, this math is what gets me to finally get out of my head and do the uncomfortable but liberating thing.

Maybe we should change what’s etched in our rear-view mirrors as a constant reminder, so we can save all that time and energy, and just step up and out in the first place?

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

The Power of State, Part 2 Choosing it.

So… how’s your State? Right now? 

If you don’t know what I mean by that, go here. If you do, then you’ve been playing with it and have begun to wake up a new sort of State Self-Awareness. Awesome.  You’ve begun to…

Monitor and observe yourself. You probably noticed that your States are much more specific than “good” or “bad” when you really paid attention to them, right?  You also noticed that your State can change in an instant from any number of triggers around you, some in the direction you want to go, others not. Which led to…

Pay close attention to WHAT, WHO and WHEN your States are vulnerable.  Was it certain people who trigger a certain State for you every time?  In a good or bad way?  Did you find certain topics that do it?  I’m positive you found that certain times of day trigger specific States for you. Did you get all the way to songs, places or smells as anchors for you? How about those curveball situations that just wrenched your State in some direction you weren’t expecting?  More to come soon, as always.

So, now you’re ready for the next part:

Getting deliberate about setting your own State in the moment and strategically- This is the satisfying part.

Why it matters… 

State affects everything and everyone.                                                                 
Attention, learning, and performance are completely State dependent. In other words, the performance you’re able to bring completely depends on the State you’re in. Think about a recent great day, great presentation, great meeting, great conversation. Now think about the State that you were in at the time. It was probably focused, fired up, into it, engaged… a very particular State on your “top 5 productive States” list, right?  Now imagine that same experience, but having it in an unproductive State like tired, irritated, or distracted. Way different, right?

Here’s the difference between the masses and those people who go beyond to influence, lead with impact and outperform…

Those superstars intentionally choose their State rather than letting their State control them. An NBA player would never step onto the basketball court without getting his State locked in first. So why would you do so on the court of your life (I’d argue that you actually have more at stake than he does)?

States are contagious.                                                                                                     
More specifically, YOUR State affects everything for you and everyone around you. Always. And if you’re in a leadership position or close partnership, it’s even more important and more magnified than for anybody else, because whatever your State, it’s setting the State for everybody else the second you walk in the door. We’ve all noticed this before. You’re in an okay “mood”, maybe even a great mood (more accurately called State). The boss (or partner, or family member) walks in and is in some kind of a grouchy, snappy, salty State.  Immediately everybody else’s State is affected by that, right? Ever notice how when you’re in a bad mood (State), everyone in your world seems extra-irritating and whiny?  Not an accident. Unfortunately (or not) most of us are victims of another’s state, and usually the person with the strongest state wins, in that it spreads to others. More on this next time, but meanwhile…

You can accidentally contaminate or intentionally elevate.                                       
You can (and do) contaminate somebody else’s creative blissful State with your irritated, pessimistic one just by being around them while in that State, and vice versa. You can also elevate somebody who is in a depressed, isolated State to engaged, inspired and connected with your State alone.  The question is this, how mindful are you about this, how intentional are you about it and how could you change that at any given moment?

In my coaching experience, I’ve seen that every manager or leader I’ve seen who has star performers consistently over time, are the same managers or leaders who are consciously using this particular tool called State Management every day, every moment, every interaction. Here’s how…

Choose it.                                                                                                                          
Most people are victims of their own State. It’s 10am and they’ve already given up, saying, “Yeah, it’s just going to be one of those days.” Wow. Stuff happens around us all of the time that messes with us mentally, emotionally and physically. The question is… how are you going to respond to it in a way that keeps you solid?  Maybe you only got a few hours of sleep last night or are coming from a particularly rough conversation just now. So what? Don’t let that determine your State or set it for the day. Choose it.

People are watching you, they’re listening. They’re getting vibes from you. They are choosing their own State and responding to yours all day every day, in the moment. You’ve already been messing with a few ITM (In The Moment) State changes as you noticed your triggers, so now you can get more deliberate in choosing how to set your State well.

So, when you’re in a great State, when you are on top of the world, what’s really happening?

Remember that Mental, Emotional and Physical are all interconnected ALL the time. Something triggered one, and they all changed. It’s not possible to change one without messing with them all somehow. So it makes sense then, that to change your State to one you want to be in, change one of the three parts. PInpoint an awesome State you know is great for you. Now let’s break down its parts:

Mental: What thoughts you’re having- what images, ideas, sounds you’re focusing on.

Emotional: What emotions you’re feeling.

Physical: What’s happening in your physiology- in position, breathing, movement and expression.

So to choose and change/set your State, pick one of those ways into it, or several to make it more potent. Depending on how strong your current State is (like the one you’re trying to change out of) some methods will work faster/easier than others.

Try these:

• Think about a time when you were totally successful (mental)

• Listen to specific music (relaxing music to calm down, upbeat music to get energy, favorite song to get psyched… (mental)

• Have someone tell you a joke (emotional)

• Look at a picture of a favorite person (emotional)

• Read an inspirational quote (mental)

• Go for a walk or quick jog around the building (physical)

• Splash cold water on your face (physical)

• Re-read a great note, card or email someone gave you which put you in a great State (emotional)

• Drink lots of water (gets more fluid in system, brain operates more clearly) (physical)

• High-5 someone (physical)

• Look at something in nature (like a cloud passing in the sky) for a few minutes solid. (mental)

• Drink caffeine (physical)

• Ask someone in your immediate space to tell you their favorite thing about one of their friends/kids/you (mental)

• Stand up and stretch (physical)

• Recall a time you felt completely loved and accepted by someone (emotional)

• Do some jumping jacks (physical)

• Get something to eat with extra protein, light on the starches. Protein gives you more brainpower, starches make your brain tired. (physical)

• Visualize yourself nailing whatever then next challenge is all the way through to the celebration at the end. (mental)

When in doubt, remember- physical is the fastest to manipulate easily.  Despite the war you may be having in your head, you can still force yourself to do something physical pretty quickly.  Move your body, and your State will follow.

Make your own list. 

Take what I’ve given you here, and add on to it. The State changes that will work best for you are the ones you create and tweak to perfection yourself by doing and doing again. Then get your complete list onto your phone or your wall or somewhere you can see and access it easily (because the moments you really need a State change are the ones where you can’t think of one to save your life).

Get strategic.                                                                                                                        
You should now have a new awareness of your State, and soon you’ll also have a new muscle of State Management to flex in response to your world, moment to moment. Awesome. Aaaand…                                                                                                           
The power of State in your performance, influence and accomplishment will come in the way you also use State strategically. Covey taught us to “start with the end in mind” and that everything’s created twice- first in your head, then a second time in real life. Most interpret this as planning it all out in actions and approaches… without ever considering the power of State.. a huge miss. We can and have watched two leaders execute identical brilliant plans, and get wildly different results. Often it comes down to State, and which leader’s in the most effective State to set their own performance, focus and contagious attention the right way, as they model and lead it.

So, map out your State strategically into the plan. What State will you want to be in as you ideate with the team? As you work with that one person whose ideas you love but pushes your buttons? As you crank out all the content and plan, heads-down? As you pitch to your potentials? As you facilitate the stakeholders? As you go into that one week which you know even now will test you with multiple demands?  As you call out and celebrate the wins of the team with them even though you’ll want to be further along? Every one of these will need you to be in a different State to guarantee its ease and success. Choose them proactively and intentionally.

And then there’s the rest of your team, and their State.  You can directly move that, too.  Next, in Part 3…

NOTE: This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on the power of State. Check out 1 & 3 also!

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

The Power of STATE, Part 1…

Ever fallen asleep while reading in bed?
Your body did that.                                                                                                            

Ever blush when you were trying hard to keep your cool? 
Your emotions did that.

Ever felt sort of sick, but powered through something pretty successfully anyhow?
Your mind did that.

These kinds of things happen to you all the time, right?

Well, they actually happen more than you even realize, and you can use what’s going on there to determine and choose how your moments, interactions and days go rather than just allowing them to happen to you.

It’s called State, and you’re in one right now. 

Not the geographic State like California, but your State as in where you are mentally, emotionally and physically at any given moment.  You could be curious, riveted, bored, excited, tired, irritated, focused, creative, playful… these are all States.

Often people refer to their moods, which is pet peeve of mine, since it implies emotion only, and is actually inaccurate.  There’s a lot more to where you are right now than just emotion, and you can actually manage it more easily than you’d think.

This is one of my favorite topics to coach, and a lot of fun to play with. It’s also one of the most important distinguishing factors between people who are “good” and people who are masters; think Michael Jordan vs. every other b-ball player (still), Peyton Manning vs. every other quarterback. Not only are they masters of their talent, they are also masters of their own State from second to second. Under tremendous pressure, they get and hold themselves perfectly aligned mentally, emotionally AND physically to outperform everyone else. This is key not only for them, but for you too. Why?

Performance is State-dependent.                                                                                   
Learning is State-dependent.                                                                                         
Attention is State-dependent.                                                                                          
Focus is State-dependent.

Whether or not you can perform, learn or focus as you want or need to completely depends on your State.

Here’s the piece people miss, which is the crucial…                                                         
State is always comprised of three interconnected parts:  thoughts (mental), feelings (emotional) and position/action (physical).  These are key, because every time one of these parts shift, the other two shift as well. Every time. 

Change one part, you change them all. Every time.                                               
Think about it…                                                                                                               
You’re working, start to get bored, so get up and walk around for a minute.  You sit back down, and you’re refocused. That’s a physical trigger shifting where you were mentally/emotionally. OR…                                                                                                
You’re tired, but talk yourself into working out anyhow.  You don’t even get winded, have energy that surprises you, and get into a great workout . That’s a mental trigger shifting where you were physically/emotionally.  OR…                                                                  
You’re feeling cranky, tired and distracted, then someone calls or texts who always makes you smile or laugh.  You come away from them on your phone happy, energized, and thinking more clearly. That’s an emotional trigger changing where you were emotionally/mentally/physically.

Every one of those is called a State Change, and you actually have lots of them all day long.

The question is this:  Are they just happening to you or are you choosing them deliberately?

States get triggered by all sorts of things. Situations, conversations, episodes.  Recurring triggers exist all over, too. These are called anchors, or associations to particular States.  Common anchors are certain people (just seeing that one person’s name come up on your email or voicemail list triggers a certain State),                                                                
smells (recently a waiter was a completely thrown by how much my perfume was an anchor to his ex-girlfriend… awkward!),                                                                           
music (that’s why your favorite show doesn’t change it’s theme song- it’s your trigger for an excited, anticipatory State to be ready for tuning in), and                                                 
places (that one spot where you… will always trigger the same memory and corresponding State…).

The mind-body connection has lots of research, and we’ve even come to reference “mind over matter” to explain how we performed despite ourselves or as a tactic to employ when we need to get “in the zone.”  That’s really State we’re referencing, in moments when we’ve deliberately managed it- changed, accessed, set it so well that we could perform beyond the circumstances or what we normally could.  Athletes and entertainers do this all the time pregame or preshow, in order to set themselves for their best performance.  Why not you?

You can learn it…

Master State Management, and you’re on your way to guaranteeing your own performance. 

The best examples to watch are in sports. To me, it’s a great fishbowl where I love to study moments, patterns and techniques of State management and mastery (or not).

Take basketball…                                                                                                                 
The foul shot in basketball is the ultimate test of State.  Technically, it’s the easiest shot there is- straight in front of the basket, nobody interfering, the same every time.  And yet… it’s not the easiest shot, because it’s really a test of being able to set and hold State. This is brilliant, in my opinion. Elite, uber-talented professional basketball players screw up this shot. Some chronically.  Why? Change one, you change them all.  There’s no question of whether they can physically make the shot- of course they can. They have and will nail thousands of foul shots, maybe even with their eyes closed.  Not the point. You put them on the foul line with pressure of the win in jeopardy, slow time down, and then it’s not about physical or technical ability.  It’s about being able to set and hold State.  It’s mental and emotional… and if these aren’t set it automatically, literally handicaps their physical ability in that moment to hit the shot or not. All connected, all the time. 

The difference between you and an NBA star…                                                     
Actually quite a few, right? So, you may not be a professional basketball player, but I’d wager that your performance may actually have more at stake to it than that player on the foul line for one shot in one game. Yours is about performing as a the right leader to your team, creator of the ground-breaking idea, or listener for another human being.  Your State matters.

Think of it as the glue that holds everything else (your talent, your ability, your knowledge) together. If you have those things and you can manage your State well, you’re set.  If you have all that, but can’t hold your State, you’re inconsistent at best.

So- let’s get you some State mastery, yes?                                                                
You can change your own and other people’s States in an instant, and it will make all the difference between good and great, control vs. none over the quality of your experiences and ultimately…what you can generate in your own performance.

I coach to this every day, so if you really want to dive in, let’s chat. Meanwhile, we’ll take a few posts to mess with it and build these critical new muscles for you. This is truly just Part 1.

For now…

•Wake up a new self-awareness… of your State. 

To get more out of your moments and mastery over your State, you have to first be able to call it in the moment. What State are you in right now? Hopefully it’s something like curious, focused, or intrigued as you’re reading this . If it’s not any of those, see if you can give it a name.  “Good” and “bad” don’t cut it for pinpointing a State.  Get more specific, like: Focused, energized, calm, anticipating, inspired, motivated, determined, enthusiastic, excited, curious, open, reflective, peaceful, etc.                                                                    
OR                                                                                                                                   
Doubting, restless, critical, frustrated, annoyed, grouchy, sad, angry, restless, anxious, distracted, defensive, judging…

If you find yourself thinking “I don’t know what State I’m in,” see if one of those listed fits, and your brain will usually work out the right answer from the contrast…  “No- that’s not it, it’s really….!”

•Pay close attention to WHAT, WHO and WHEN your States get triggered or are vulnerable.   

You’ll notice that your State might be a really good one like curious, creative, focused, open… but then it gets messed with by something, which spins you into an unproductive State like stressed, irritated, mad, complacent, crabby, taskmaster, or whatever.

For example, certain people trigger States for you. Who sets yours off every time?  Good or bad?                                                                                                                                      
Or, it could be a certain topic that does it.                                                                           
Or, it could be a certain time of day that does it to you.                                                        
Or it could be situational- like getting feedback.                                                                  
Or, it could be particular people, songs, places or smells that trigger certain States as anchors. Pay attention.

•Find your triggers and use them. 

Anchors for certain States are all around you- good and bad. It takes extra awareness to realize when your State is being triggered, in the moment. Try calling it, then use anchors to your advantage.

Place that stresses you?  Get out of there and avoid it if possible- switch it up.           
Favorite song that fires you up? Listen to it before the big presentation.                           
Shirt that makes you feel invincible?  Wear it for the big meeting.                                     
Scent that calms you? Wear it when you know you’re anxious.                                        
Photo that reminds you of a great/successful/peaceful/connected moment? Get it onto your wall or  phone where you can look at it when you’re off.

There’s a lot more to this. We’re just getting started. This is enough to mess with for a week.

Next time…

Deliberately setting or changing your State- in the moment and strategically.

Getting other people’s states and how to change those, too.

Meanwhile, stay tuned to yourself, and see how quickly you can call out your own State. You’ll be way ahead of most people around you.

NOTE: This is Part 1 of a 3-part series on the power of State. Check out 2 & 3 also!

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

Surfmaster

Today was a great learning day because I got to be both a student and the product of a great teacher.

Those of you who know me won’t think that’s anything out of the ordinary, since I’m one who constantly looks for the learning in most every situation, believes that things happen and people are placed for a reason, and defines the value of a day by what was learned.  The tag line on my cards and pens is “learn something” because it’s my refrain for most situations.  Today was different, though, because it wasn’t about me just looking for the learnings within the normal experiences of life- I actually signed up and paid for it.

In the gift of a single day off in Hawaii before teaching a workshop tomorrow, I signed up for a surfing lesson.  Just the idea of signing up and stepping out of my Comfort Zone was exciting to me- yet the experience itself was even better.  In the 90 minutes of my lesson I not only learned to surf, but got to experience and validate what happens when learning is set up to succeed by great teaching.

I arrived to my instructor Richard eager and ready to learn, although a bit nervous.  While I didn’t choose it at the time, this is the ideal combination state for a learner to be in (to a great teacher). Richard expertly read my State and quickly assessed my prior experiences to see what he had to work with, then immediately began to set me up for success.

After some on-shore coaching, we paddled out, and it wasn’t long before I got up and rode a wave on my first try!  As Richard cheered me on I proclaimed, “that was so much easier than I thought it would be!”  His response, “That’s because you have a great teacher, the right board and a perfect day.”  From beach to final wave, that precious 90 minutes seemed to both fly yet be vivid as slow motion. I had great success because it was the perfect formula for easy learning, and Richard was right. . .

While I was hooked from the beginning yet distracted by the little voice in my head doubting my ability and ultimate surfer potential, Richard casually but precisely directed, modeled, set me up on each wave and celebrated every right move I made.  For each wave I rode, he high-fived me and told me how great I was while correcting me simultaneously.  When I fell, I saw the slight disappointment on his face quickly countered with zeroing in on the right coaching to keep me relaxed and improving right away.  I felt his commitment to my success, I wanted to make him proud, and easily listened to him instead of my critical little voice.  I paid close attention, followed instructions and mirrored him as best I could while he found my waves, pushed me  off into them, and I surfed!  With every wave, he steadily decreased how much assistance he gave me until the big moment when he said “I’m going to catch this one too, and ride it with you.”  That was the ultimate moment of proving myself to my teacher and myself-  I surfed on my own next to him, and we celebrated!

I got to have a great, fun, easy experience because Richard deftly modeled great teaching as he…

• entered my world
• earned the right
• tapped my WIIFM
• had a 10 over my head no matter what
• celebrated every success
• checked in with me early and often
• read and managed my State for me
• taught me visually, auditorally and kinesthetically
• pushed me out of my Comfort Zone
• set me up for success!

In my work I’m always in the teaching/coaching position. This I love, do passionately and get a tremendous amount of learning from itself every time.  It’s rare that I get to overtly be on the receiving end of a great teacher, so today was a gift.  I’m now reminded of how much more I need to seek out deliberately being the student.

And now I’m hooked on surfing.  Thank you, Richard!

©SarahSinger&Co. 2010