Closer Than They Appear

My mom’s rear-view mirror always had etched onto it:

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

So it turns out that this standard-issue reminder about perception applies to our own psyche, as well.

When we get to the part of my training where I ask people to identify a spot in their lives where they need to step up or out or through something, many people find something BIG.  It’s often having to do with a person they need to confront or a thing they’ve needed to do for a long time, which they’ve been allowing to suck their energy and hold them back in their productivity or happiness for weeks, months or years.  Most people have a few of these things rattling around, sort of like extra weights they’ve been carrying around with them.

So, I help them to stand up to the BIG thing, and commit to busting through it to the elusive “other side” which is alot like those things in the rear-view mirror… much closer than it seems.

It often comes down to a conversation they need to have with someONE or a new behavior that they need to just DO or try.  I coach around it, sometimes even set up full plans of attack for getting their State just right, and all the support they need to hold that State, follow through and not bail at the last second.

In my work with thousands of people who have gone through this very process, I’ve found something in common which takes me back to the rear-view mirror…

Leading up to the actual breakthrough (which is often just a moment), people will actually spend hours of time thinking about it, obsessing about it, rehearsing it or just worrying about it before they actually do it.  The good news is that this is replacing the countless hours of stress, upset, distraction and worry that they had been spending regularly on it before they chose to break through it.

So finally, they get to the moment of truth.

They get into State (or not, which makes it more painful), they DO the big thing, and they’re through to the other side.  The act or conversation took minutes.  It’s over.  The energy suck that had been draining their will and focus is cut off, and there’s a proud mix of adrenaline, relief and newfound energy afterward.  Then the realization…

Obstacles are smaller than they appear.

It wasn’t that big of a deal in hindsight.  All of that worrying and prep, and they broke through it in moments.  To me as a coach, the most important thing is the equation of time spent that comes in the debrief:

Number of sucked hours of worry/upset/stress/energy you are losing in thinking, worrying, avoiding by not doing it

VS.

Moments it takes to just do it and be through to the other side

Simple equation of time investment.

Easy?  Not really, which is where Comfort Zone and coaching like mine come in.

But simple? ABSOLUTELY. For me, this math is what gets me to finally get out of my head and do the uncomfortable but liberating thing.

Maybe we should change what’s etched in our rear-view mirrors as a constant reminder, so we can save all that time and energy, and just step up and out in the first place?

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

You Are Reaction... A Choice.

Everything is a reaction to something else.  Everything’s a setup for something. 

Athletes and their coaches study films to spot patterns and nuances in a team and individual player’s game- from which they can learn, tweak and improve.  Slowing an interaction down to be able to see the exact sequence of moves, angles, actions and reactions in a play allows them to make the critical adjustments necessary in their for the difference of a win next time. What if we all did this in our normal lives and patterns?

Action & reaction can be simultaneous. It doesn’t much matter which we call the action or which we call the reaction; both create an interaction, and neither exists without the other.

This is true, and our lives are filled with interactions all day long. They’re so smooth that we rarely question what was an action and what was a reaction. That’s actually a good thing, and keeps us in relationship and moving forward… Most of the time.

While looking at the overall interaction of things is a healthy way to go, sometimes we should look a little closer.

We know that Sir Isaac Newton was right. But not just in physical science… if we break it down, we can see that for every action, there really is a reaction that occurs from it in human dynamics as well. This is helpful in understanding our own patterns.

When certain triggers (actions) occur, we react. Similar or repeated triggers make for reinforced reactions. Some of those are awesome and healthy, and some aren’t. Every single time we repeat an action or reaction, we’re rewiring our brain for those behaviors- strengthening and myelinating those neural pathways of response, which ultimately become the way we run whether we intended it or not. It’s like your pattern of typing mistakes on your smartphone- the software learns your patterns and then compensates for them (supposedly, although my phone just doesn’t get that I mean of instead of if), so you don’t even notice them anymore (mimicking the brain). In our own human reactions to other people and situations these patterns and compensations are created too, and before we know it, we’ve got some new default settings we didn’t even plan for and may not even notice… Habits. And sometimes they’re unhealthy, unproductive habits. Let’s fix that…

The more self-work you do, the more you start to see your own patterns. A client once described this self-awareness that develops “like having a rear-view mirror on yourself all the time”- noticing things about how you operate which you just wouldn’t see otherwise.

It’s one thing to notice behavior patterns. It’s quite another to choose to interrupt or change them. This is an important step on the road to growth, to be sure.

Example: “I spend a whole lot of time on Facebook during the day which isn’t productive, so I’m going to limit my time on Facebook to 10 minutes at night and that’s it.”

Okay, good. Behavior changed- much better than whiling away hours of productivity on auto-pilot.

And yet…

That tactical approach may or may not really help to get at the real issue- what this Facebook habit is actually a reaction to. If we skip over this, then just limiting the Facebook time isn’t going to solve much or get at the root trigger- in fact it might just spawn another reaction pattern/habit to replace it instead (like eating, let’s say), which I’ll just have to deal with 10 pounds later when that becomes a problem, too.

Instead…

Look at the initial action or trigger that your behavior is reacting to:

“Whenever I get news I don’t like or have to deal with situation XX or person YY, I tend to get on Facebook, which is actually sucking up a lot of time and killing my productivity.”  

Better.

Now we’re looking at what really needs attention, which wasn’t really the Facebook habit at all, but what it was a reaction to. That surf time was successfully diverting my attention from something I didn’t want to face, and compensating with something that felt a lot better in the moment to focus in on (the brain loves instant gratification). Once I realize this, I see that limiting my Facebook time isn’t actually going to help me to more easily deal with bad news or my XY situation…and then I can separate the trigger and the reaction apart. From there I can make a smarter, more effective adjustment which will have more lasting impact.

So maybe what we need is a giant pause button, to be able to freeze our own action like in the game films, so we can rewind and take a look at what we’re doing and what we’re reacting to over and over into habits without realizing it.

It’s about going a bit deeper.  Here’s how you can do this…

To get past the most obvious behavior you think you need to change and see the bigger pattern of action-reaction-pattern, you have to ask yourself a few key questions (we’ll stick with the FB example) like 

1. Why? What? When? Who? How often?… 

Why am I doing this?

Because I like to see what other people are doing and share out with my ‘friends’ on Facebook.” Maybe. Plus…

Deeper layer: “It feels better to focus on someone else’s life/thoughts instead of my own or put some finite positive thoughts out there rather than deal with these other ones.”

When do I tend to do it?

Whenever I get news I don’t like or have to deal with a negative person like XX.

Certain situations trigger these reactive patterns which divert our attention from something we’d rather not feel or deal or think about. The more persistent a situation is, the more you may not even notice your reactive response, now fully engrained as a habit.

It could be certain times of day as triggers associated with certain tasks (like when you have a deadline to hit which you’re avoiding) or events (like the night before a business trip, every time).

It also could be certain conditions (like when you get less than X hours of sleep)…

Particular people are absolutely triggers for you.  That can be a good thing or a bad thing. If bad, then your reactive pattern could be so habitual that you could actually miss this person showing up in a positive way (because you’re expecting the worse), and miss an opportunity with them.

What am I getting out of it?

I get to focus on something more positive. Sure, but…                                                  
Deeper: I get some acknowledgment and validation (at least from my Facebook world). I get to be heard.

We’re always getting something out of what we’re doing, or we wouldn’t be doing it.  Categorically it’s as simple as avoiding pain or seeking pleasure, although…

Pain = difficulty, fear, or discomfort of any kind.  Pleasure = validation, attention, confidence, inclusion, acknowledgment, control, power… but could also be learning, accomplishing, creating…

How often?

Um… a lot, every day. 

Reactions repeated become habits.                                                                                
Habits with an edge of need to them (depending on how strong you’re reacting from something) can become crutches.                                                                                
Crutches with a strong “feels so much better” response can become addictions.

Addictions, no matter how innocently they started are really hard to break, and can become much bigger than the initial trigger you were trying to avoid in the first place.

2. Handle the intial trigger. 

Once you find the trigger, address it by itself instead of allowing yourself to react in a way that may or may not help you in the long run.

I have a hard time hearing negative feedback and persistently negative people. So- I’m going to try some new strategies for being able to hear negative feedback in a constructive way and interact with negative people in a way that I don’t absorb it. I’ll talk with XX about our communication to see if we can change the negative pattern there. 

You are a creature of reaction. You can also change your own patterns to be more intentional, so you’re not a creature of reactive unhealthy habits. So strategize outside the moment of trigger, since that’s when your thinking is most compromised.

3. Study and tweak your own game.

Pay attention to your patterns.

Pause yourself, rewind and break it down.

Notice what’s happening first in your interactions, and how you can tweak/address the reaction pattern itself rather than waiting until it becomes a set, myelinated and reinforced habit down the road (and doesn’t solve the issue anyhow).

Did I mention addressing those triggers and interrupt your pattern as early as possible? Yeah- it’s that important.

4. Set yourself up. 

You actually can be less reactive and more pro-active, to respond the way you know will be best for you. You now know how to change your own State. You even know how to trigger and anchor the best and most productive States. So… for this, as you choose a new response (in a sane moment), try it, anchor it, then hold yourself to it when the trigger hits next. Debrief after, and be honest about whether the new response is working or not. If not, try another. Or another. Or go back to #1, and re-address what’s going on. It’s worth it.

Everything is a reaction to something else.  And everything’s a setup for something…                                                                                                                         
So set yourself up for intentional, healthy patterns, which will trigger even more of them.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

The Power of State, Part 2 Choosing it.

So… how’s your State? Right now? 

If you don’t know what I mean by that, go here. If you do, then you’ve been playing with it and have begun to wake up a new sort of State Self-Awareness. Awesome.  You’ve begun to…

Monitor and observe yourself. You probably noticed that your States are much more specific than “good” or “bad” when you really paid attention to them, right?  You also noticed that your State can change in an instant from any number of triggers around you, some in the direction you want to go, others not. Which led to…

Pay close attention to WHAT, WHO and WHEN your States are vulnerable.  Was it certain people who trigger a certain State for you every time?  In a good or bad way?  Did you find certain topics that do it?  I’m positive you found that certain times of day trigger specific States for you. Did you get all the way to songs, places or smells as anchors for you? How about those curveball situations that just wrenched your State in some direction you weren’t expecting?  More to come soon, as always.

So, now you’re ready for the next part:

Getting deliberate about setting your own State in the moment and strategically- This is the satisfying part.

Why it matters… 

State affects everything and everyone.                                                                 
Attention, learning, and performance are completely State dependent. In other words, the performance you’re able to bring completely depends on the State you’re in. Think about a recent great day, great presentation, great meeting, great conversation. Now think about the State that you were in at the time. It was probably focused, fired up, into it, engaged… a very particular State on your “top 5 productive States” list, right?  Now imagine that same experience, but having it in an unproductive State like tired, irritated, or distracted. Way different, right?

Here’s the difference between the masses and those people who go beyond to influence, lead with impact and outperform…

Those superstars intentionally choose their State rather than letting their State control them. An NBA player would never step onto the basketball court without getting his State locked in first. So why would you do so on the court of your life (I’d argue that you actually have more at stake than he does)?

States are contagious.                                                                                                     
More specifically, YOUR State affects everything for you and everyone around you. Always. And if you’re in a leadership position or close partnership, it’s even more important and more magnified than for anybody else, because whatever your State, it’s setting the State for everybody else the second you walk in the door. We’ve all noticed this before. You’re in an okay “mood”, maybe even a great mood (more accurately called State). The boss (or partner, or family member) walks in and is in some kind of a grouchy, snappy, salty State.  Immediately everybody else’s State is affected by that, right? Ever notice how when you’re in a bad mood (State), everyone in your world seems extra-irritating and whiny?  Not an accident. Unfortunately (or not) most of us are victims of another’s state, and usually the person with the strongest state wins, in that it spreads to others. More on this next time, but meanwhile…

You can accidentally contaminate or intentionally elevate.                                       
You can (and do) contaminate somebody else’s creative blissful State with your irritated, pessimistic one just by being around them while in that State, and vice versa. You can also elevate somebody who is in a depressed, isolated State to engaged, inspired and connected with your State alone.  The question is this, how mindful are you about this, how intentional are you about it and how could you change that at any given moment?

In my coaching experience, I’ve seen that every manager or leader I’ve seen who has star performers consistently over time, are the same managers or leaders who are consciously using this particular tool called State Management every day, every moment, every interaction. Here’s how…

Choose it.                                                                                                                          
Most people are victims of their own State. It’s 10am and they’ve already given up, saying, “Yeah, it’s just going to be one of those days.” Wow. Stuff happens around us all of the time that messes with us mentally, emotionally and physically. The question is… how are you going to respond to it in a way that keeps you solid?  Maybe you only got a few hours of sleep last night or are coming from a particularly rough conversation just now. So what? Don’t let that determine your State or set it for the day. Choose it.

People are watching you, they’re listening. They’re getting vibes from you. They are choosing their own State and responding to yours all day every day, in the moment. You’ve already been messing with a few ITM (In The Moment) State changes as you noticed your triggers, so now you can get more deliberate in choosing how to set your State well.

So, when you’re in a great State, when you are on top of the world, what’s really happening?

Remember that Mental, Emotional and Physical are all interconnected ALL the time. Something triggered one, and they all changed. It’s not possible to change one without messing with them all somehow. So it makes sense then, that to change your State to one you want to be in, change one of the three parts. PInpoint an awesome State you know is great for you. Now let’s break down its parts:

Mental: What thoughts you’re having- what images, ideas, sounds you’re focusing on.

Emotional: What emotions you’re feeling.

Physical: What’s happening in your physiology- in position, breathing, movement and expression.

So to choose and change/set your State, pick one of those ways into it, or several to make it more potent. Depending on how strong your current State is (like the one you’re trying to change out of) some methods will work faster/easier than others.

Try these:

  • Think about a time when you were totally successful (mental)

  • Listen to specific music (relaxing music to calm down, upbeat music to get energy, favorite song to get psyched… (mental)

  • Have someone tell you a joke (emotional)

  • Look at a picture of a favorite person (emotional)

  • Read an inspirational quote (mental)

  • Go for a walk or quick jog around the building (physical)

  • Splash cold water on your face (physical)

  • Re-read a great note, card or email someone gave you which put you in a great State (emotional)

  • Drink lots of water (gets more fluid in system, brain operates more clearly) (physical)

  • High-5 someone (physical)

  • Look at something in nature (like a cloud passing in the sky) for a few minutes solid. (mental)

  • Drink caffeine (physical)

  • Ask someone in your immediate space to tell you their favorite thing about one of their friends/kids/you (mental)

  • Stand up and stretch (physical)

  • Recall a time you felt completely loved and accepted by someone (emotional)

  • Do some jumping jacks (physical)

  • Get something to eat with extra protein, light on the starches. Protein gives you more brainpower, starches make your brain tired. (physical)

  • Visualize yourself nailing whatever then next challenge is all the way through to the celebration at the end. (mental)

When in doubt, remember- physical is the fastest to manipulate easily.  Despite the war you may be having in your head, you can still force yourself to do something physical pretty quickly.  Move your body, and your State will follow.

Make your own list. 

Take what I’ve given you here, and add on to it. The State changes that will work best for you are the ones you create and tweak to perfection yourself by doing and doing again. Then get your complete list onto your phone or your wall or somewhere you can see and access it easily (because the moments you really need a State change are the ones where you can’t think of one to save your life).

Get strategic.                                                                                                                        
You should now have a new awareness of your State, and soon you’ll also have a new muscle of State Management to flex in response to your world, moment to moment. Awesome. Aaaand…                                                                                                           
The power of State in your performance, influence and accomplishment will come in the way you also use State strategically. Covey taught us to “start with the end in mind” and that everything’s created twice- first in your head, then a second time in real life. Most interpret this as planning it all out in actions and approaches… without ever considering the power of State.. a huge miss. We can and have watched two leaders execute identical brilliant plans, and get wildly different results. Often it comes down to State, and which leader’s in the most effective State to set their own performance, focus and contagious attention the right way, as they model and lead it.

So, map out your State strategically into the plan. What State will you want to be in as you ideate with the team? As you work with that one person whose ideas you love but pushes your buttons? As you crank out all the content and plan, heads-down? As you pitch to your potentials? As you facilitate the stakeholders? As you go into that one week which you know even now will test you with multiple demands?  As you call out and celebrate the wins of the team with them even though you’ll want to be further along? Every one of these will need you to be in a different State to guarantee its ease and success. Choose them proactively and intentionally.

And then there’s the rest of your team, and their State.  You can directly move that, too.  Next, in Part 3

NOTE: This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on the power of State. Check out 1 3 also!

 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013